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Speaker 1

00:00

♪♪ Our main story tonight concerns sports, the thing O.J. Simpson used to be famous for. The coronavirus has taken its toll on all manner of industries, but the world of sports was among those hit hardest, earliest, and perhaps most visibly. Because just think back to the day that you first realized our lives were gonna fundamentally change for awhile.

Speaker 1

00:22

For many, it was when this happened.

Speaker 2

00:24

2 days before he tested positive for coronavirus, Utah Jazz All-Star Rudy Gobert did this to reporters' microphones in an interview. -...and this morning, the NBA suspending the rest of its season. The unprecedented move shocking everyone, including Dallas Mavs owner, Mark Cuban.

Speaker 1

00:43

Just think about how astonishing something has to be to shock Mark Cuban. Keep in mind, he's 1 of the sharks on Shark Tank. He's been pitched businesses like Rent-A-Goat, a service that rents out goats to eat overgrown shrubs, Squirrel Boss, a bird feeder that gives electric shocks to squirrels, and Elephant's Chat, a literal stuffed elephant that you put in the room to signal that there's something uncomfortable to talk about.

Speaker 1

01:05

Mark Cuban has already seen the most jaw-dropping, inconceivable things this world has to offer. And it wasn't just basketball vanishing suddenly. Since then, The NHL has suspended its season. Major League Baseball pushed back its opening day to an unknown date.

Speaker 1

01:19

International Soccer League suspended games, and the Olympics were moved to next summer. And as shocking as these cancellations seemed at the time, the truth is, there was really no choice. Sporting events with large crowds packed together are the exact opposite of social distancing, and they're a nightmare scenario during a pandemic. This Champions League match in Milan in February was later likened to a biological bomb after it was linked to 1 of the deadliest outbreaks.

Speaker 1

01:45

But though sports shutting down was emphatically the right thing to do, people have increasingly been asking when they can return, and few have asked louder than this guy.

Speaker 3

01:54

I hope football can start, and I told them, I think you might be able to. They may very well be able to. I hope they can start, and I hope they can start with people in the stands.

Speaker 3

02:03

The fans want to be back, too. You know, they want to see basketball and baseball and football and hockey. They want to see their sports. We have to get our sports back.

Speaker 3

02:10

I'm tired of watching baseball games that are 14 years old. But I haven't actually had too much time to watch. I would say maybe I watch 1 batter and then I get back to work.

Speaker 1

02:20

Okay, but here's the thing. We actually asked some experts about that, and it turns out that when the country's in the middle of a pandemic that's killing many thousands of Americans every single week, The correct number of batters from 2006 for the president to be watching is actually fucking 0. But look, he's not entirely wrong there.

Speaker 1

02:38

The lack of sports is an emotional blow to a lot of people, and it's not just emotional, it's also financial. By 1 estimate, the sudden disappearance of sports will raise at least 12 billion dollars in revenues and hundreds of thousands of jobs in this country alone. And those jobs aren't just the high-paid athletes playing the games. They also include the many people who count on sporting events for employment, like these 2 Philadelphia stadium workers.

Speaker 4

03:03

Marvin Spratley made $14 an hour as a part-time grill cook for nearly 2 years at Sixers, Flyers and Eagles games.

Speaker 5

03:11

MARVIN SPRATLEY, Philadelphia Stadium Worker, Sixers, Flyers, Eagles

Speaker 6

03:12

It's a

Speaker 5

03:12

lot of stress on me, a lot of stress, because I've got bills piled up, baby needs pampered.

Speaker 4

03:17

Laisha Johnson is a maintenance worker at Philly's Games.

Speaker 7

03:20

I have food on the table now. I'm making it right at this moment. But I don't know what tomorrow may bring.

Speaker 1

03:27

Yeah, that's really difficult. And It's worth remembering that although Philadelphia sports fans are a horde of inhuman monsters who deserve neither sympathy nor understanding, the people paid to tend to those monsters really depend on their monster money. So given that the absence of sport has caused such pain, we thought tonight we'd take a look at what sports have become in the age of coronavirus, and what a path back for them might look like.

Speaker 1

03:49

And first, let me say that the sports world has been doing some truly great things during this pandemic. Teams and athletes have been donating and raising money for charity, with some even selling branded face masks for coronavirus-related causes. And despite not being able to play, teams have found ways to stay engaged with their fans online while modeling social distancing. The Pittsburgh Pirates' Parrot posted an at-home workout video, the Chicago Blackhawks' mascot Tommy Hawk vacuumed his apartment, and Gritty once again blew them all away without even trying.

Speaker 1

04:19

-♪

Speaker 6

04:20

JINGLE BELLS AND WHISTLES

Speaker 1

04:22

♪ ♪

Speaker 6

04:24

JINGLE BELLS AND WHISTLES AND CLANGING

Speaker 1

04:27

♪ ♪

Speaker 6

04:28

JINGLE BELLS AND WHISTLES AND CLANGING ♪ ♪ JINGLE BELLS AND WHISTLES AND CLANGING

Speaker 1

04:35

♪ Okay, I don't know what's more amazing there, Gritty's incredible hand-eye coordination, the fact he seems to live in an entirely empty apartment, or the discovery that his body occasionally squeaks when it moves, presumably because, evolutionarily speaking, Gritty's closest relative is a used dog toy. And it's not just mascots. Athletes have been showing how they're trying to work from home, which has not always been easy for them.

Speaker 1

04:58

For instance, reigning NBA MVP, Yanis Andantekampou, told reporters last month that he's been unable to practice because he doesn't have a hoop at his house. Others have had to get pretty creative to continue their training, whether it's an Olympic swimmer training in a kiddie pool with a bungee cord, an Olympic runner creating makeshift treadmills in a bathtub with palm olive, an Olympic rock climber using her home as a climbing gym, or Brandon Kline of the Orioles squatting his dog who seems utterly delighted by the situation. But not every at-home training session goes smoothly, as Dodgers pitcher Joe Kelly recently discovered.

Speaker 6

05:32

-...every time I try my best, I lose. -...every time I try my best, I lose. Oh!

Speaker 6

05:37

Wondering how quarantine's going? Joe's working on a change-up.

Speaker 1

05:50

Yeah. Honestly, if I was Joe Kelly's wife, I'd never get that window fixed, and I'd just make him explain what happened every time someone came over. Oh, that window, Joe, do you wanna tell that story? Because I kind of forget some of the details, like how many millions of dollars you've been paid for your ability to throw a baseball accurately, how big the net was, and how many feet you missed it by.

Speaker 1

06:11

You just go ahead and tell the story while I pull up the video. As for broadcasters who are reliant on live events, they are now in a truly desperate situation. While ESPN moved up their ten-part Michael Jordan documentary, they've otherwise been strapped for content, airing video game versions of baseball and basketball, with SportsCenter at 1 point, actually tweeting out this. ♪♪ Whoa!

Speaker 1

06:34

-♪♪

Speaker 6

06:37

Whoa!

Speaker 1

06:38

-♪♪

Speaker 6

06:41

Whoa! Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1

06:45

-♪♪

Speaker 6

06:46

Whoa!

Speaker 1

06:46

-♪♪ Now, you might be wondering, what the fuck did I just see? Well, apparently, that came from a Russian show called Stone Faces, where contestants slap each other as hard as they can. And This particular guy is a renowned competitive slapper whose real name doesn't matter because his nickname is Dumpling.

Speaker 1

07:05

Which is just an outstanding name for that man. And at this point, I don't need to know anything else. I'm all in on competitive slapping. Just tell me what channel to subscribe to in order to watch it and where to order my dumpling jersey.

Speaker 1

07:18

So, if we are all reaching the point of desperation, where we're honestly willing to watch large men slap each other in a windowless room, there is clearly a desire to restart sporting events. The question, though, isn't why sports should come back, it's how that can safely happen. Because to do it responsibly would be a mammoth undertaking. To do it irresponsibly, however, turns out to be pretty easy.

Speaker 1

07:42

The state of Florida, early on, designated professional sports and media production with a national audience as an essential service, so long as it's closed to the general public. So the WWE has continued staging shows in Florida, holding matches in front of empty chairs. But that requires a lot more people than just those 2 wrestlers. You need production crews working together in close proximity.

Speaker 1

08:05

And while the WWE maintains its safety measures are as comprehensive as they can possibly be, 1 employee wrote an anonymous letter to a Florida County Commissioner asking them to shut the tapings down because despite sanitary precautions, we cannot maintain social distancing and have to touch other people. But it's easy to see why CEO Vince McMahon doesn't mind them taking that risk. As he told investors on a recent earnings call, viewers want to see new matches.

Speaker 8

08:32

I think new content is always a driver in terms of stimulating interest and what have you. Obviously, everyone is pretty much starved for new content. It could very well be that they're tired of watching Netflix and they want to see, you know, strong men running around in their underwear.

Speaker 1

08:50

Okay. Well, first, I would argue that the risks of creating content the way that you are seem to outweigh the benefits right now. And second, no 1 on that call registered your point there because you just said, stimulating, strong men, underwear, and crucially, driver, all in the same sentence. At which point, everyone's minds turned immediately to getting absolutely bone-crushed by Adam Driver.

Speaker 1

09:13

Choke slam me to hell, You nasty shed. Jam your mandible claw down my throat, you irredeemable steer. Quick side note here. A lot of you might well be wondering where I'm going with this bit.

Speaker 1

09:25

If you're anything like my staff, you're asking questions like, is this sexual or is it violent? And you're then unsatisfied when the answer comes back, yes. If you're like my wife, you might be asking, should I be worried about this, with your concern only growing when the answer is, only if you want to be. And what of Adam Driver himself?

Speaker 1

09:42

Is he bothered by this continued sexualization? He seems like a fairly private guy who's generally uncomfortable with attention, making what I'm doing possibly some form of harassment. He might actually have pretty good grounds to have me reprimanded legally, to which I say, do it. Slap a restraining order on me, You forlorn block.

Speaker 1

10:01

Beg me to stop, you menacing obstacle. And it's not just the WWE. Their competitor AEW is also taping shows in Florida, and the UFC just last week started hosting matches in Jacksonville. And while they couldn't fly in international fighters for that event, their president, Dana White, has devised an insane workaround.

Speaker 9

10:22

Fight Island is real. Fight Island is a real thing. It's really happening.

Speaker 9

10:27

The infrastructure is being built right now, on the island. I'm ready to go.

Speaker 1

10:33

Yes, the UFC is apparently building a facility on a private island that they're calling Fight Island. Now, is that a clever name? No.

Speaker 1

10:41

Is it the perfect name? Yes. Because it's the first thought an idiot would have if they wanted to name a private island where fights happen. Now, we could have called it Brawlhamas, or Puerto Ruckus, or Awee Mowee, or Slam Miguel, but he didn't.

Speaker 1

10:55

He didn't do that, and he didn't even go with the obvious name for an island where you stage UFC fights, which is simply UFC. Look at me, Dana. Why didn't you just call it UFC? It's perfect.

Speaker 1

11:08

But clearly, staging events is risky at the moment. Just the day before last weekend's UFC event, a fighter had to pull out after he and 2 of his corner men tested positive. Underscoring the fact that if you want to come back completely without risk, that's just not possible right now. And yet, many sports organizations are feeling real pressure to ignore that risk, especially college sports, where some schools' athletic programs rely heavily on revenue from football.

Speaker 1

11:36

And while you would hope the coaches would talk about the trade-offs of risk and safety with some tact, Oklahoma State football coach, Mike Gundy, seemed completely comfortable saying the quiet part loud.

Speaker 10

11:47

In my opinion, if we have to bring our players back, test them, they're in good shape. They're all 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 years old. They're healthy.

Speaker 10

11:54

A lot of them can fight it off with their natural body, the antibodies and build up they have. We need to continue to budget and run money through the state of Oklahoma.

Speaker 1

12:04

Jesus Christ! I don't know whose medical advice is worth the least in the middle of a pandemic, but guy who doesn't mind unpaid college kids contracting a potentially deadly disease so everyone else can make millions is right down near the bottom, along with the advice of funeral parlor magnate and the coronavirus wearing a fake mustache. Now, Gandhi later apologized for those comments, but there was a real honesty to what he said there.

Speaker 1

12:29

Profit is a powerful motivator here, especially for some team owners who won't be the ones taking the risks. And it's why major sports like baseball and football are so eagerly pursuing plans to come back. But assuming that you can't just stage all events in Jacksonville or on some stupidly named island somewhere, how do you do it in the safest possible way? Well, for what it's worth, Anthony Fauci has outlined how that could happen.

Speaker 11

12:57

There's a way of doing that. Nobody comes to the stadium. Put them in big hotels, you know, wherever you want to play.

Speaker 11

13:04

Keep them very well surveilled, namely a surveillance, but have them tested, like, every week. And make sure they don't wind up infecting each other or their family, and just let them play the season out.

Speaker 1

13:14

Yeah, you just isolate everyone involved and test the hell out of them. Which intuitively seems like it might work. After all, we already have a show where a bunch of people with incredible bodies get monitored all day to make sure that they don't touch each other.

Speaker 1

13:27

It's called Too Hot to Handle, and it is perfect. 1 of the hot idiots proposed to 1 of the other hot idiots with a ring pop. And if you haven't watched this show and you're still complaining about being starved for content, you're out of your fucking mind. And ideas along the lines of what Fauci just proposed, so-called bubble leagues, have been floated for multiple sports.

Speaker 1

13:49

Major League Baseball, for instance, was at 1 point reportedly discussing plans to play all of their games in Arizona. And on its face, that seems simple. You just seclude the teams and you have them play with no fans. But when you think about that for more than a second, it all becomes much, much more complicated because, of course, you wouldn't just be isolating players.

Speaker 1

14:10

You'd be doing that for coaching staff, team physicians, trainers, umpires, clubhouse attendants, bus drivers, camera crews, and hotel staff, to name just a few. By 1 estimate, even a bubble league would require nearly 10,000 people, all of whom would need constant testing. And there is a key distinction here, because while pro wrestlers, UFC fighters, and college athletes have no union, those in major pro sports do. And therefore, they have significant negotiating power.

Speaker 1

14:38

So, if you want them to isolate themselves from their families and put their lives at risk, you need their agreement. And some big names, like the Angels' Mike Trout, still have some significant concerns.

Speaker 12

14:50

What are you gonna do with family members? My wife is pregnant. What am I gonna do when, you know, she goes into labor?

Speaker 12

14:56

Am I gonna have to quarantine for 2 weeks after I come back? Because, you know, obviously I can't miss that, you know, birth of my first child.

Speaker 1

15:04

Yeah, he's right. The league should not ask anyone to miss the birth of their first child. That is a magic moment.

Speaker 1

15:11

Now, second child, that's negotiable. Same shit, different day. Third child, I'm not even sure the mother has to be there, but that first child is simply unmissable. And after pushback from multiple players, Major League Baseball has walked away from the Arizona idea, with an official even saying earlier this month, I would be lying if we were to say we have a good idea, they're all degrees of bad.

Speaker 1

15:33

And that is true of so many current proposals for sports to come back. The second you start reading the details of any plan, it automatically becomes ridiculous. The MLB's new idea is to play an abbreviated season in as many empty home ballparks as possible. But teams would still have to travel to those, meaning they're not being quarantined.

Speaker 1

15:55

And for a sense of just how easy it is for something to go wrong, look at Germany. That country has handled this pandemic much, much better, and they are in a very, very different situation than we are in the U.S. And that enabled their soccer league to actually come back this weekend, employing a kind of bubble league approach, without fans and with all team personnel quarantined in a hotel. But 2 players have already tested positive, forcing their entire team to isolate for 14 days, and 1 top coach missed the first game after he left the hotel to buy toothpaste, and now can't rejoin his team until he has 2 negative tests.

Speaker 1

16:34

And that shows just how difficult it is to do any of this effectively. And look, I will own the fact, I really want sports to come back. There is no doubt that they have the ability to inspire. 1 of the things that sport does best is to bring people together in times of crisis, like when the Yankees resumed playing after 9-11.

Speaker 1

16:55

Unfortunately, though, bringing people together is the exact thing we should not be doing right now. And while sport was genuinely helpful at the start of this crisis in showing us how serious this virus was, if it comes back too soon, and irresponsibly, it won't be an inspiration, it'll be a cautionary tale. So, as hard as it is to hear, we might need a little more time to make sure that we get this right. Phasing sports back in slowly, with tailored approaches that take into account each sport's level of contact and robust systems of testing and tracing.

Speaker 1

17:28

And I know that there is currently an absence in people's lives, So ideally, what you'd want is something that could fill that gap for a while, you know, until sports can return. Something with an existing infrastructure, a schedule of heart-pounding events, a passionate fan base, and no human contact. Something to which I'm obviously building.

Speaker 5

17:46

If you've been on Twitter lately, you may have seen this viral video. Marbles in the blocks and they're off. It's a neck and neck and neck race up there at the front.

Speaker 5

17:55

Oh, it actually kind of hits the divider. The attenuator slows him down and he falls back into third place, now into the clutches of Deep Ocean. So it's Reflector out front, and now Tarantula takes the lead.

Speaker 1

18:06

Oh, fuck yes. Let me introduce you to Jelle's Marble Runs. They're based in the Netherlands, and they are a competitive marble racing league that is, to put it mildly, absolutely fantastic.

Speaker 1

18:18

They upload races to this YouTube channel on a regular basis, and nobody to whom we have shown this, including non-sports fans, has not ended up wanting to watch more. There are entire racetracks with marbles as fans, plus a marble tournament with 16 different events featuring relays, water courses, and obstacles. And there are also backstories for the marbles involved, and some truly passionate fans.

Speaker 13

18:43

20,000 people from around the world tuned in live to watch last week's race. And Yella's Marble Runs YouTube channel has millions of views.

Speaker 5

18:51

There are big fan bases built up, not just for the teams, but for the individual marbles. And when 1 isn't performing very well in the season, you're gonna hear about it on there. And they will, you know, let that marble know they gotta pick up their game a little bit.

Speaker 1

19:03

Now, on the 1 hand, that's amazing. On the other hand, the marbles don't really need fans to tell them when they're off their game. I mean, take a look at the Midnight Wisps.

Speaker 1

19:12

They came in fourth in their debut season, just missing the podium. But did they settle for that? No, they didn't. They came back the next year and they won it all.

Speaker 1

19:21

They used their shortcomings as motivation to come back even stronger. Or rounder. I don't know. Whichever adjective is best for marbles.

Speaker 1

19:29

The point is, this isn't just a YouTube distraction, it's a beautiful, competitive event, and the world needs those more than ever right now. This year's Marble League tournament is actually due to start next month. Unfortunately, with times being hard, the league was struggling for money, even tweeting, to make the Marble League, we need sponsors. A head sponsor and some smaller sponsors.

Speaker 1

19:51

So, this beautiful thing is in danger of going away just when we need it the most. Or rather, it was in danger because it turns out they're not actually looking for a sponsor anymore. And the reason I know that is you are looking at the new sole sponsor of the upcoming Marble League tournament. That is right.

Speaker 1

20:10

We are proudly sponsoring all 16 events over the next few months. But wait, because There is a twist here. In addition to our sponsorship, the winner of each event will get $5,000 donated to a food bank in their name. Whether that name is the Raspberry Racers, the Green Ducks, the Hazers, or even the Oceanics.

Speaker 1

20:29

Although, frankly, they're gonna need a ton of reorganization in the locker room because they were a fucking mess last year. And what's more, at the end of the entire tournament, the overall winner will get a $20,000 donation made in their marble team's name to the International Rescue Committee. It is the only way that we could think of making what these guys are doing even better. So please, check this out.

Speaker 3

20:54

Yellows, Marlboros, and last week tonight presents...

Speaker 5

20:58

Down they come. Hazers to the lead. Green Ducks into the water.

Speaker 5

21:01

Now they have a lot of trouble moving through those quick chicanes to start things off. And the Savage Speeders keep their momentum up. They fall into the final funnel. Raspberry Racers trying to fight for gold.

Speaker 6

21:10

The sports event of the

Speaker 3

21:12

summer... Has arrived. Wow!

Speaker 5

21:16

Unbelievable! Oh, he was knocked off! Fight! Developing in the fan section.

Speaker 5

21:20

Raspberry Racers, they take the lead.

Speaker 3

21:22

Neck and

Speaker 5

21:22

neck, all 4 finish line in sight.

Speaker 6

21:24

Who's going to get it?

Speaker 3

21:28

Marble League 2020, premiering June 21st. This one's for all the marbles.