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Speaker 1

00:00

-♪ ♪ -♪♪ Hello there. I'm John Oliver, but you can just call me Charlotte because I'm only putting this message on the web. Now... Now, we are off at the moment, but tonight, or whenever this is for you, I would like to talk to you about push notifications.

Speaker 1

00:19

The only worse thing to get on your cell phone than an actual phone call. A phone call? Who am I, television's Dr. Frasier Crane?

Speaker 1

00:27

Fuck no! Now, in theory, push notifications are a way for news apps and organizations to keep subscribers informed of important, time-sensitive information. You know, things like declarations of war, earthquakes, and acts of terrorism. But, in reality, there are means for us to learn that the remains of Neanderthal child from 115,000 years ago found in Poland show the child was at least partially eaten by a giant bird.

Speaker 1

00:55

That is a real news alert. And you know what word intrigues me here? Partially. Did the giant bird save the leftovers?

Speaker 1

01:06

I'm Neanderthal children like Chinese food, always better the next day. It's a rhetorical question I don't actually know. I'm not a hundred thousand year old bird despite all evidence to the contrary. And look...

Speaker 1

01:18

Look, I'm not saying it's not interesting to know some ancient bird exercised portion control. I'm simply saying the fact that someone actually thought this merited a push notification is certifiably insane. Because ideally, push alerts should clear exactly 2 bars. 1, is there something I should be doing differently?

Speaker 1

01:37

And 2, is this something I need to know now? If the answer to either of those questions is no, it should not be invading your phone. So, let's take a look at some examples that do and do not adhere to that code of conduct. Here's 1 from the Washington Post, warning me not to eat any kind of romaine lettuce.

Speaker 1

01:56

Criteria 1, is it actionable? Should I be doing something differently? Well, I would say, definitely. Had I been the sort of person who eats romaine lettuce...

Speaker 1

02:04

-...I would have needed to stop doing that. -... Luckily, I'm an iceberg guy. Iceberg, the lettuce that's 96% water.

Speaker 1

02:13

It's lesser food and more a naturally occurring utensil for blue cheese dressing. Now, second criteria, is it time sensitive? Again, definitely. I could have been tongue-deep in sweet green.

Speaker 1

02:24

-♪ ♪ -♪ And, parenthetically, tongue-deep in sweet green sounds like the title of a salacious tell-all by Shrek's lover. Now... -...now...

Speaker 2

02:37

-...now... -...now...

Speaker 1

02:38

-...now... For an example, for an example of a news alert that fails this test, look no further than this 1 from the New York Times. The case of a serial killer nurse who may have murdered 300 patients is raising uncomfortable question for Germany, why wasn't he stopped? Now, is it actionable?

Speaker 1

02:54

No, I'd argue not really. Is it time sensitive? No. Again, the dead are dead, and they generally tend to stay dead unless they don't, in which case, that news would merit a very different type of news alerts, like, zombies are real and they're not vaccinating their children.

Speaker 1

03:10

Now, news organizations frequently phrase non-news alerts in the form of rhetorical questions, like when The Times asked, is the new Vanity Fair cover a Louis Vuitton ad? And CNN wondered, can the milkman save the climate? And hold on, hold on a second. Louis Vuitton?

Speaker 1

03:28

Milk? Talk about 1 percent concerns. Yes!

Speaker 2

03:33

Yes! I did it! I did it! I did it!

Speaker 2

03:38

That has all the properties of a joke! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! In your face!

Speaker 2

03:46

And look... -...look... -...look...

Speaker 1

03:48

...Look... Look, to be clear, I'm not espousing some blanket anti-push notification platform. Sometimes they're objectively useful, like when NPR blows up your phone with something like this. Mama, you're never going to die, right?

Speaker 1

04:03

Children can have tough questions. Here are 5 tips for how to answer them. Wow! I'll say this, if you're a parent whose child just asked if you were mortal, I can only imagine just how grateful you were to feel your phone buzz with that interruption.

Speaker 1

04:19

Am I gonna die? Well, that's a tough 1, kid. Oh, 0, sorry, sorry. I just got an important message.

Speaker 1

04:27

So let's table this discussion for a very different time. Because the thing is, as annoying as they may be, a push alert can be a conversation-ending miracle. Not literally a miracle, of course. Obviously, those don't exist.

Speaker 1

04:39

And on a related note, kids, Mommy is going to die. -♪ Aw... ♪ -She is, kids. She's definitely dying.

Speaker 2

04:47

I'm kidding, kids! I'm kidding! She's gonna live forever!

Speaker 2

04:51

Yes! Mommy lived forever! I did it! In your face, kids!

Speaker 2

04:55

In your face!

Speaker 1

04:57

Thank you so much for watching. We're back in February. We'll see you then.

Speaker 1

05:01

Goodbye! Thank you! Thank you!