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Speaker 1

00:00

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Mike Pence, Vice President of the United States, and whatever the exact opposite of a silver fox is. I'm gonna go with Ashen Weasel. And if you're wondering why talk about Pence, Well, with all the recent focus on who Trump is firing at the White House, it is worth remembering the 1 person that that cannot actually happen to.

Speaker 2

00:22

President Trump cannot but see Mr. Pence as the indispensable man in his inner circle. He is, Brett, by statute, the 1 person in the West Wing to whom Donald Trump cannot say, -"You're fired." -...that

Speaker 1

00:33

is true. Now, while in many ways, Pence is like any other Trump employee, ethically compromised, creeps the fuck out by Jared, and subjected to all sorts of unwanted physical contact, Pence is, Constitutionally, the only official in the White House that Trump can't fire. And that is worrisome, because he is synonymous with some extreme positions, like his opposition to abortion and gay rights.

Speaker 1

00:55

Just listen to Omarosa, who, remember, had first-hand experience working with him.

Speaker 3

01:00

We would be begging for days of Trump back if Pence became president. That's all I'm saying. He's extreme.

Speaker 3

01:06

I'm Christian, I love Jesus. But he thinks Jesus tells him to say things that are bad.

Speaker 4

01:14

I'm like, Jesus ain't say that.

Speaker 1

01:16

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ She's right. Omarosa is right there. Also, I'm pretty sure the original titles of the New and Old Testaments were Jesus Said This and Jesus Ain't Say That.

Speaker 1

01:29

So, If Pence is that terrifying, tonight, let's take a look at him. And if there are any Mike Pence supporters watching this, I cannot promise that he is going to come out of tonight's show looking great. But I can promise that I will say something nice about him before this piece is over. You have my word on that.

Speaker 1

01:46

So, let's begin. Pence's reputation is as the old, boring, principled contrast to Donald Trump. But the truth is, he's been more than willing to defend the indefensible. And while all politicians equivocate, Pence is exceptionally good at dodging tough questions.

Speaker 1

02:01

Just look at this interview from just after Trump tweeted, entirely falsely, that he had won the popular vote if you just deducted the millions of people who voted illegally. Watch how many times Pence refuses to engage in the premise of the question.

Speaker 5

02:14

That statement is false. Why is he responsible to make it?

Speaker 6

02:17

Well, I think the president-elect just wants to call to attention the fact that there has been evidence over many years of voter fraud. That's not what he said. And expressing that reality, the Pew Research Center found evidence of that 4 years ago.

Speaker 6

02:35

It's not evidence

Speaker 5

02:36

they found.

Speaker 6

02:36

It's certainly his right. It's his right to make false statements? Well, it's his right to express his opinion as a president-elect of the United States.

Speaker 6

02:43

I think 1 of the things that's refreshing about our president-elect, and it's 1 of the reasons why I think he made such an incredible connection with people all across this country, is because he, he tells you what's on his mind.

Speaker 1

02:56

But why is

Speaker 6

02:56

it refreshing to

Speaker 5

02:57

make false statements?

Speaker 6

02:58

Well, look, I don't know that that is a false statement, George, and neither do you.

Speaker 1

03:04

But yes, you do, though. Because everyone knows that statement was bullshit. Which is why it's a little alarming that Pence would be so willing to defend a complete lie by calling it refreshing.

Speaker 1

03:15

Because if that's the standard, you can say all sorts of things in the names of refreshment. You could say, Mike Pence spent $400,000 having his penis surgically replaced with a marshmallow peak. Is that true? Who knows?

Speaker 1

03:27

But try telling me you're not refreshed hearing about it. But despite lies like that, Pence is well-liked among evangelical voters, 8 out of 10 of whom voted for the Trump-Pence ticket. And he does have impeccable credentials as a social conservative. Pence used to have a local radio show, The Mike Pence Show in the 90s, where he sounded off on hot button issues.

Speaker 1

03:50

And while current Pence is controlled and polished, back then, he was surprisingly animated. Just listen to him address 1 day's topic with some real contempt in his voice.

Speaker 6

04:00

Early in the week, we talked about whether or not it was time to rethink this whole business of women in the military.

Speaker 1

04:08

Wait, what the fuck is that tone? He's saying women in the military with the same bemused skepticism you used to describe this whole business of dinosaurs in medical school, or Cher in the starting lineup for the Cleveland Cavaliers. She's a bench player at best.

Speaker 1

04:25

You restrict her minutes. We all know that. And look, he wasn't just being provocative there. He means it.

Speaker 1

04:32

2 years later, Pence wrote an editorial attacking the Disney film Mulan for showing a woman in combat, concluding, women in military, bad idea. And if you're thinking, well, well, come on, he grew up in the 1950s, it's just a generational thing. No, he didn't. He's 58 years old.

Speaker 1

04:50

Pence is 3 months younger than Flavor Fucking Flay. He has no excuse there. And... And that is just 1 of many ludicrous opinions that Pence has expressed over the years.

Speaker 1

05:03

He also argued for the teaching of intelligent design in schools. He expressed a hope to consign Roe versus Wade to the ash heap of history. And as governor of Indiana, responded to an HIV outbreak among drug users by dragging his feet on allowing needle exchange programs, during which time he said he was going to go home and pray on it. Which, and I realize this isn't necessarily the most relevant criticism here, but can't you do that from the office?

Speaker 1

05:30

But, But perhaps the issue Pence is most associated with is his hostility to LGBT rights. And it is not just me saying that. His boss seems to think so too.

Speaker 7

05:41

The New Yorker, citing a campaign staffer, reports that behind closed doors, Trump had a habit of mocking Vice President Mike Pence's religiosity. When the conversation turned to gay rights, Trump motioned towards Pence and joked, don't ask that guy, he wants to hang them all.

Speaker 1

05:55

And look, look, Trump is clearly joking about that, but it is also the kind of punchline that only works if we all know the premise behind it to be true. Like jokes about terrible airline food, or bad breakups, or how people from Toronto are terrified of hard-boiled eggs. They're jokes based on universal knowledge we all agree on.

Speaker 1

06:16

And the truth is, Pence is not, and has never been, a friend of the gay community. Over the years, he's fought anti-discrimination laws that would've protected them. He's also opposed allowing gays to serve in the military, openly or otherwise, with his campaign's website saying, homosexuality is incompatible with military service. And he once defended the sanctity of marriage in another surprisingly passionate speech.

Speaker 6

06:41

Marriage was ordained by God, instituted in the law, is the glue of the American family and the safest harbor to raise children, and it must be defended against the onslaught of the left in the Congress, in the courts, and if need be in the Constitution of the United States of America.

Speaker 1

06:58

-... Holy shit! If I may quote 1 of America's greatest philosophers...

Speaker 4

07:05

Jesus, I say that.

Speaker 1

07:07

She's right. She's absolutely right. You didn't say it.

Speaker 1

07:12

And look, you may remember when Pence made national news by signing a controversial Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which many felt enabled businesses to discriminate on the basis of sexuality.

Speaker 3

07:24

Angie Alexander and her wife, Cynthia, believe it's an invitation to discriminate by refusing service.

Speaker 6

07:30

You know,

Speaker 8

07:30

we don't know what restaurants or what stores we can go into, and, you know, not be turned away and have to suffer. You know, that's degrading. It's embarrassing.

Speaker 8

07:38

Exactly.

Speaker 1

07:39

People were afraid of being turned away from restaurants, and it is bad enough for someone to privately dislike you for your sexuality, but it's even worse to be publicly told that you are too gay for waffles. And yet, when this possibility was raised to Pence by his arch-nemesis, George Stephanopoulos, he refused to even engage in the question.

Speaker 5

08:00

So, yes or no, if a florist in Indiana refuses to serve a gay couple at their wedding, is that legal now in Indiana?

Speaker 6

08:09

George, this is where this debate has gone, with misinformation and

Speaker 5

08:14

frankly- It's just a question, sir.

Speaker 6

08:16

Yes or no? Well, there's been shameless rhetoric about my state and about this law and about its intention all over the Internet.

Speaker 5

08:24

Do you think it should be legal in the state of Indiana to discriminate against gays or lesbians? George... It's a yes or no question.

Speaker 5

08:34

Hoosiers,

Speaker 6

08:35

come on. Hoosiers don't believe in discrimination.

Speaker 1

08:38

But that's neither the word yes, nor the word no. It's the word Hoosier, which isn't an answer to any question besides, what's a good derogatory slang term for an owl with a drinking problem? Look at yourself, you Hoosier!

Speaker 1

08:53

You're gonna go fly into a fucking tree. Get your life together! Fucking Hoosier! But while Hoosiers may not believe in discrimination, Mike Pence clearly does.

Speaker 1

09:06

And yet, interestingly, 1 specific allegation he's pushed back on concerns whether or not he supported gay conversion therapy. A question that frankly didn't come out of nowhere.

Speaker 9

09:16

When Mike Pence ran for Congress in Indiana in the 1990s, his campaign agenda included this. Resources should be directed toward those institutions which provide assistance to those seeking to change their sexual behavior. According to the vice president's spokesperson, Mr.

Speaker 9

09:33

Pence did not and does not support gay conversion therapy.

Speaker 1

09:37

Okay, while I personally find that denial complete horseshit, I will acknowledge that the language on his website was very carefully worded. It does give him an escape. And his denial is the grossest effort I've seen to reverse a decision made in the early aughts, apart from Russell Crowe's actual upcoming divorce auction to settle his 2003 marriage.

Speaker 1

09:58

It is called, Russell Crowe, The Art of Divorce. It's real and it's amazing. And you can buy items such as this leather jockstrap used during the filming of Cinderella Man. Will we be stupid enough to bid on that?

Speaker 1

10:13

I don't know. Why don't you ask 1 of our 5 wax presidents? The point here is, That's not the point. The point here is...

Speaker 1

10:21

Pence denies supporting conversion therapy, but that's a little hard to take, considering how much he has praised someone closely associated with it. Because 1 of his mentors is the notorious homophobe, James Dobson. And if you are not familiar with him, I'll let him introduce himself in a truly unsettling way.

Speaker 10

10:39

I represent an organization called Focus on the Family, which a three-year-old 1 time called, Pocus in the Fanny. And, you know, that's not far off from what we're trying to do in some ways.

Speaker 1

10:53

That's right. I guess you could say we're thrusting ourselves into the hole of American spiritual life and reaching around to grab the tent poles of secular decadence, because that's what Focus on the Family is all about, having gay sex. That's right.

Speaker 1

11:09

Reducing the rate of gay sex, but at least have. The organization that Dobson founded, Focus on the Family, has a history of promoting conversion therapy. For a decade, it sponsored a conference addressing, understanding, and preventing homosexuality called Love 1 Out, which could not sound anymore like a euphemism for masturbating. As in, all this talk of being poked in the fanny really makes me want to go and love 1 out.

Speaker 1

11:37

But Dobson... Dobson also wrote a book titled Marriage Under Fire, in which he stated, focus on the family promotes the truth that homosexuality is preventable and treatable. And he produced a video series in which he elaborated on that theme.

Speaker 10

11:51

We want to talk about the prevention and treatment of homosexuality in boys. There are more than a thousand who are being treated at any given time for homosexuality. They don't all change.

Speaker 10

12:06

It's not easy to change. I don't want to imply that it's just a simple thing. You just decide you're not gonna be homosexual anymore. No, there are deeply rooted factors that account for this, and they are tough to whip.

Speaker 1

12:20

Now, obviously, there is no such thing as the homosexual agenda, but if there were, whipping bad boys by the thousands wouldn't not be on it. Now, Dobson left Focus on the Family in 2010, and they have since claimed that they have softened their message. But, if you go to their website right now, you will find articles like, When a Loved 1 Says I'm Gay, the stages of grief, and why we support sexual orientation change efforts.

Speaker 1

12:50

Not to mention the fact that their logo still features a child who dismembered her parents and is holding their severed arms aloft in some sort of gruesome impish victory dance, and I think that's just sick. So, while Pence may claim that he did not and does not support gay conversion therapy, he very much supports those who support it. Because just last year, as vice president, he was in Colorado saying this.

Speaker 6

13:16

It is great to be here on the 40th anniversary of Focus on the Family. -...allow me to acknowledge the founder of this ministry. A man who became the author of an enormous body of work that has inspired millions, and he's been a friend and a mentor to me.

Speaker 6

13:36

Dr. James Dobson.

Speaker 1

13:38

-♪ ♪ -♪ Look, saying you don't support conversion therapy and then calling Dobson your mentor is like saying you're a staunch vegetarian and a law-abiding citizen. And by the way, please meet my lifelong friend and mentor, the Hamburglar. --LAUGHTER --And...

Speaker 1

13:54

And Pence is not saying that as a shitty radio host or an Indiana congressman. He's saying it as Vice President of the United States, in which role he also presented Dobson with an award just last June. And that is appalling. And all this makes it even more galling that at the start of this piece, I promised that I would mention 1 thing that I liked about Pence.

Speaker 1

14:15

And look, a promise is a promise, so through gritted teeth, here it is. I kind of like his rabbit. I really, genuinely do. And also, I'm not the only 1.

Speaker 5

14:27

The vice president and his wife could kiss their audience's attention goodbye once Marlon Bundo was introduced.

Speaker 1

14:34

That's right. The Pences have a pet rabbit, and his name is Marlon Bundo, which again, it kills me to say this, is an objectively good name for a bunny. And Marlon Bundo is a great rabbit.

Speaker 1

14:47

He has his own Instagram account. Here he is making an important phone call. Here he is making another 1, this time using a landline. And here he is posing next to a strangely appropriate sign that says, if you met my family, you would understand.

Speaker 1

15:01

And here's the thing, Marlon, I haven't, yet I still do. The point is, Marlon Bundo is the most likable thing about an otherwise unlikable man. Like how George W. Bush is a perfectly fine painter.

Speaker 1

15:15

Or how Bill Cosby raised awareness, Americans' awareness of pudding, or how Roger Ailes is dead. Sometimes you can't deny that there's 1 thing you like about someone. And Bundo is actually about to get even more attention.

Speaker 11

15:29

The first tell-all book to come out of the current White House is hopping into bookstores Marlon Bundo, the pet rabbit of Vice President Mike Pence. There, he's signing a deal to publish Marlon Bundo's A Day in the Life of the Vice President.

Speaker 1

15:41

That is true. Marlon Bundo has a children's book coming out. This is it.

Speaker 1

15:47

It's being released tomorrow. There's even going to be a book tour. And I would love to say, fine, look, it's a fun, sweet book about a rabbit who gives a shit. But unfortunately, 1 of the stops on that book tour is a focus on the fucking family.

Speaker 1

16:01

So, congratulations, Pence. You even managed to ruin Marlon Bondo. Now, none of us can enjoy a book about your rabbit. Or...

Speaker 1

16:10

Can we? Because it turns out, in a complete coincidence, We also wrote a book about Mike Pence's rabbit that has also been published. In fact, while his is out tomorrow, ours is released... -...right now.

Speaker 1

16:27

--AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS Now, there are a few small differences between the 2 books. You'll notice right away that our rabbit has a bow tie, so there's that. Also, our story is about Marlon Bundo falling in love with another boy rabbit, because our Marlon Bundo is gay, just like the real Marlon Bundo. The point is, you can actually buy this book starting right now at Amazon and at BetterBundoBook.com, which should be easy enough to remember.

Speaker 1

16:59

Do you want the regular Bundo book or the better Bundo book, it's at betterbundobook.com. All of our proceeds from this are going to the Trevor Project, which provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBT youth and AIDS United, which works to end the AIDS epidemic in the United States. So those are 2 great reasons to buy this book. Another is that selling more books than Pence will probably really piss him off.

Speaker 1

17:25

So that's 3 great reasons right there. You can also buy an audio book at audible.com featuring Jim Parsons, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Jeff Garlin, Ellie Kemper, John Lithgow, Jack McBrayer, and RuPaul. And let me be completely clear about this, this is actually a book for children. This is a real children's book.

Speaker 1

17:44

This isn't some adult book telling Mike Pence to go fuck himself. Although, in buying it, that's exactly what you would be doing. This is a sweet story about Marlon Bundo falling in love, and to prove it, here is just a taste.

Speaker 12

18:00

Hello, my name is Marlon Bundo, and I am a bunny. This is the story of my very special day. As usual, after breakfast, I hop to the garden to look at the flowers.

Speaker 12

18:12

That is when I saw him, the most beautiful bunny I had ever seen. My name is Marlon, I said, but my family calls me Bodas. It's short for Bunny of the United States. It's a long story.

Speaker 12

18:28

My name is Wesley, and my family calls me Wesley, said Wesley. We went on a long hop together. We hopped through the garden. We hopped right inside the old stuffy house.

Speaker 12

18:41

We hopped through very boring meetings with very boring people. At the end of our hop, I said, Wesley, I don't want to hop without you ever again. And Wesley said, that's funny, because I never want to hop without you, Marlon Bundo, ever again. And we both said, We will get married and hop together forever.

Speaker 1

19:03

-♪♪

Speaker 13

19:06

-"Wait!" said the stink bug. -"You can't get married!"

Speaker 12

19:11

The stink bug was in charge. All the animals listened to him, even though he was very stinky.

Speaker 14

19:17

Ooh! Boy bunnies don't marry boy bunnies. Boy bunnies have to marry girl bunnies. Oh!

Speaker 12

19:26

But don't worry, we had a plan. A plan that involved all the animals in the garden.

Speaker 1

19:32

-♪

Speaker 5

19:33

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... -♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...

Speaker 1

19:35

And if you want to know how the story turns out, you are going to have to buy the book. Please buy it for your children, buy it for any child you know, or just buy it because you know it would annoy Mike Pence. You'd be doing a nice thing in a really dickish way.

Speaker 1

19:49

And isn't that the dream at the end of the day? Again, you can find it at betterbundobook.com or if you would prefer at the website, Focus on the Thermally, which We also own now. And additionally, if you prefer to donate directly to the Trevor Project or AIDS United, if you make a donation of 1,199 or more, you can get a free copy of the e-book. All the information is on our website.

Speaker 1

20:12

We've actually bought copies for every member of our audience tonight.