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Speaker 1

00:00

♪♪ Russia, the country that gave the world Tetris, merkins you wear on your heads, and potentially, the 45th president of the United States. Now, Russia was at the center of a major development in the U.S. This week.

Speaker 2

00:16

Michael Flynn resigning as the US National Security Advisor this coming after reports that the Justice Department warned he could be vulnerable to blackmail over communications he had with the Russian ambassador.

Speaker 1

00:29

Okay, that's it everyone, check your office pools because if you had communication with Russia as the reason the first member of Trump's inner circle resigned, you win. That's a shame, because my money was on never set foot in a public school, or... President can't stop seeing Melissa McCarthy whenever you speak.

Speaker 1

00:46

But... But interestingly, the Flynn debacle is just the tip of the iceberg regarding the Trump administration and Russia. There were accusations swirling around 2 people involved in his campaign, Paul Manafort and Carter Page. There's the strong evidence that Russia hacked the DNC's emails to influence the election.

Speaker 1

01:03

And then there's of course the infamous leaked dossier alleging serious connections between Trump and his associates and Russia. Or, as you undoubtedly remember it, the thing about the urine fetish Moscow sex party. And look, there is no hard proof yet of direct links between Trump himself and Russia. But, he does have a weird, noticeably soft spot for both the country and its leader.

Speaker 3

01:27

I was in Moscow recently, and I spoke indirectly and directly with President Putin, who could not have been nicer. Putin even sent me a present, beautiful present, with a beautiful note. By the way, it would be great...

Speaker 3

01:42

If we could get along with Russia, just so you understand that. Now, tomorrow you'll say, Donald Trump wants to get along with Russia. This is terrible. It's not terrible, it's good.

Speaker 1

01:51

Yeah, I'm not saying it's terrible. I'm also not saying it's good, though. I'm saying it's a bit weird that you've been objectively nicer to Vladimir Putin than you have to Meryl Streep, who I'm pretty sure is not an infamous autocrat, although you know what?

Speaker 1

02:05

Now I say it, if she tried it, she'd nail it. The woman is a tour de force. But the point is, the point is, Trump is fixated on getting along better with Russia. So tonight we thought we'd ask, what does that actually mean?

Speaker 1

02:21

What are the chances of it happening, and what might we give up in the process? And I know that over here, we think of Putin as a cartoon character who stages photo ops where he's shirtless on a horse, or swimming like a dolphin, or emerging from the sea like a Bond villain, or wearing a... Or winning a staring contest with a baby chick, or quite possibly breaking a child's arm. But...

Speaker 1

02:43

But in Russia, He's not some comic book villain. To many, he's a comic book hero. He's genuinely popular there. For years, he's even had his own pop song.

Speaker 1

02:52

♪

Speaker 4

02:53

Takovo, kak Putin, polnogo sil ♪ ♪ Takovo, kak Putin, chtov ne bil

Speaker 1

02:58

♪ ♪

Speaker 4

02:59

Takovo, kak Putin, chtov ne obejal ♪ ♪ Takovo, kak Putin, chtov ne ubejal

Speaker 1

03:05

♪ That song has been stuck in my head all week, and I don't even speak Russian. It's called A Man like Putin, and it's all about how women want someone like him. Although, just think about that for a second, because that means they want a man in his 60s who has thinning hair and who's probably about 5'5".

Speaker 1

03:25

So, the man they're saying they want is essentially Richard Dreyfuss, but mean. And, you know, as for all those photo-ops, you'd really be surprised how many Russians look at those and take them at face value. Earlier this year, Putin miraculously recovered 2 ancient vases from the bottom of the ocean. Fortunately, cameras were on hand to capture this historic moment.

Speaker 1

04:07

Oh, come on! Not only is that clearly bullshit, but contrived seaside photo ops is the same publicity strategy as Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston. America had Hiddlestwift, Russia got Poodlejuck. Hashtag Poodlejuck.

Speaker 1

04:24

Putin's popularity, though, is all the more surprising, given that from the beginning, his presidency has been shrouded in accusations of corruption.

Speaker 5

04:32

We've seen him enriching his friends, his close allies, and marginalizing those who he doesn't view as friends, using state assets. Whether that's Russia's energy wealth, whether it's other, state contracts. He directs those to whom he believes will serve him and excludes those who don't.

Speaker 1

04:54

I see. So Putin's friends depend on him for their wealth. That actually explains how he wound up once going out dressed like this.

Speaker 1

05:02

Because any real friend would tell him, Vladimir, no, I love you, but you cannot pull off white denim. You look like you're attending the wedding of a yacht and the year 1991. Get changed. As a friend, get changed.

Speaker 1

05:16

But it's not just Putin's friends who've become rich. Some estimates put Putin's personal wealth anywhere from 40 to 85 billion dollars, which would make him 1 of the richest men in the world. And although he strenuously denies it, nothing about his finances adds up.

Speaker 6

05:32

President Putin's official income is around $100,000 a year, and yet he lives like the super rich. -♪ ♪ -♪ DRUM ROLL PLAYING

Speaker 1

05:40

♪

Speaker 6

05:41

He has a collection of expensive watches. Even his designer tracksuit costs $3,000.

Speaker 1

05:48

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What monster works out in a $3,000 tracksuit? The only acceptable reason for owning a tracksuit that expensive is if you recorded the 2002 hit, work it, your name is Missy Elliott and you are not fully aware that other clothes exist.

Speaker 1

06:05

That's it. That is it. I draw a line there. But for example, of really surprising wealth, consider Putin's own daughter.

Speaker 1

06:16

She and her husband have holdings worth around $2 billion, which is a lot of money for someone who, and this is true, is an academic slash acrobatic rock and roll dancer. And if you think we don't have footage of her in action, you are sorely mistaken. ♪♪ are sorely mistaken. ♪♪ First, cool.

Speaker 1

06:46

And second, you know, a lot of people think that the most dangerous job in the world is prison guard or fighter pilot. But I'd like now to put a strong word in for guy whose job is to throw Putin's daughter way up in the air and then hopefully catch her. You know what? You know what?

Speaker 1

07:03

Maybe Vladimir Putin has just been extraordinarily lucky in his life. And if so, it contrasts with the extreme misfortune that many of his critics and political opponents have suffered. Opposition leader Boris Nemstov was shot dead. Alexander Litvinenko, a former KGB agent who turned on Putin, died of radiation poisoning.

Speaker 1

07:21

A journalist, Anna Politkovskaya, was murdered on Putin's birthday. And the activist, Vladimir Karamurza, was allegedly poisoned, managed to survive, only to be allegedly poisoned again earlier this year. And I know that all this looks bad, but again, maybe Putin had nothing to do with any of that and just got lucky. Maybe the guy has a rabbit's foot.

Speaker 1

07:40

Yes, a freshly severed 1, but still, he's got 1. And meanwhile, Other Putin adversaries have ended up disgraced when sex tapes of them were shown on national TV or leaked on the internet. And a sex tape doesn't even need to be real, as this man, Kyle Hatcher, who works for the U.S. State Department in Russia, discovered a few years ago.

Speaker 7

08:01

And Last month, this undercover video of Hatcher was posted on a Russian internet site, complete with background music. Hatcher is seen in a Moscow hotel room in his underwear with the lights on. Then the lights are out in the room, and a man and a woman appeared to be having sexual relations on the bed.

Speaker 7

08:20

Hatcher told U.S. Officials, this is a fabrication.

Speaker 1

08:23

Okay, now, that is obviously ridiculous, but I do actually have some questions here. 1, if someone releases a fake sex tape of you, Do you watch it? And 2, what if the fake you is better at sex than the real you?

Speaker 1

08:36

And the only reason I ask this is, I'm currently talking shit about Putin on television, so I'm expecting my fake sex tape to come out at any moment now, and I'm just interested. I'm just interested, that's all. Putin has carefully created an atmosphere in Russia that is extremely hostile to any opposition. Standing up to him can mean being targeted by trolls, and not just on the internet.

Speaker 1

08:58

When Garry Kasparov spoke at a political opposition event, He was interrupted, and this is true, by radio-controlled flying dildos. And you know what? I have to say, I kind of respect that deep down. That takes real imagination, initiative, and planning.

Speaker 1

09:16

Now, what is less impressive, though, is what liberal politician Ilya Yashin claims happened to him.

Speaker 8

09:30

2 thugs get into a car, take off their pants and just shit. Imagine, the center of Moscow. Children, parents...

Speaker 8

09:45

And now...

Speaker 1

09:47

Look. I do understand being mad at someone who is shit on your car, but for the record, parents walking by are not actually going to be offended, because if you have a child, your visceral response to seeing someone other than your own kids taking a dump in public is... Not my fucking problem. Not my problem.

Speaker 1

10:07

So, to recap, Putin may or may not have stolen billions of dollars and may or may not have been involved in the intimidation or assassination of his opponents. There is so much that people suspect, but can't quite prove. In the same way that I suspect Putin's genitals are just a fist covered in thorns, but I can't entirely say for sure. I'm 98 percent, I'm just not quite there.

Speaker 1

10:31

But here is what we can say about Putin without a doubt. He, among other things, annexed Crimea, imposed severe fines and long prison terms on protesters, propped up the brutal Assad regime, and signed a harsh anti-gay propaganda law, which many Russians supported, which might actually not be that surprising when you consider that they see shit like this on state-sponsored TV.

Speaker 9

10:53

Sodom and Gomorrah were burnt with the rain of sulfurous fire from the heavens. Since that time, the real name of homosexuals, just so you know, our dear TV audience, is not gays, but sodomites. God does not tolerate the filth and sin that may consume the entire world.

Speaker 9

11:11

We need to resist to stay alive. Wow.

Speaker 1

11:15

Now, to give you just a sense of how anti-gay Russian TV is, their most popular makeover show features 5 straight guys and is called, That Jacket Looks Fine. -...- So look, in a nutshell, That is Russia under Vladimir Putin, and our president wants to get along better with him. And I'm not saying that America hasn't regularly cozied up to regimes with hideous human rights records.

Speaker 1

11:40

I will not mention names, but let's just say that Saudi Arabia knows who they are. But, But, there is something truly alarming about how easy Trump's makes this all sound.

Speaker 3

11:51

If our country got along with Russia, that would be a great thing. Wouldn't it be a wonderful thing, frankly, if we actually got along with Russia? Wouldn't it be great, if we actually got along with Russia?

Speaker 8

12:02

Wouldn't it be nice if we actually got

Speaker 3

12:02

along with Russia? Wouldn't it be nice if we actually got along with Russia? Wouldn't that be good?

Speaker 3

12:05

Wouldn't it actually be wonderful?

Speaker 2

12:07

Wouldn't it be nice, wouldn't

Speaker 3

12:08

it be nice, wouldn't it be nice if we actually got along as an example with Russia? I'm all for it.

Speaker 1

12:13

Sure. Yeah. And it would also be nice if you could walk right up to a bear and hug it. That would be really, really nice.

Speaker 1

12:20

But unfortunately, it's not that fucking easy. Negotiating anything with Putin is gonna be way more difficult than Trump seems to think. Putin spent his early life as a spy for Russia in East Germany, where he mastered manipulating foreigners. And I'm not saying that Trump isn't at his level.

Speaker 1

12:37

I'm just saying, watch what happened last year when Bill O'Reilly tried to game out how Trump would respond to Russian planes buzzing U.S. Warships.

Speaker 3

12:46

I would say, do not do that. That's provocation. That's something that you're not supposed to be doing.

Speaker 3

12:51

Right.

Speaker 7

12:51

But if he did, if he defies

Speaker 3

12:53

you to do on many,

Speaker 7

12:54

you'd have to shoot 1 of those

Speaker 9

12:55

planes down.

Speaker 3

12:57

I may have to do something which you would hate to do, But this is something I wouldn't want to do, but I would say, Vladimir, don't do it. Let's go. Come on, we're gonna have a good relationship.

Speaker 3

13:09

Don't do it. That

Speaker 1

13:12

is just fucking embarrassing. He is using the tone of a dog owner failing to stop a spaniel peeing on the rug. Waggles, don't do it, let's go.

Speaker 1

13:22

Come on, Waggles, we're gonna have a good relationship. Don't do it, Waggs. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Speaker 1

13:30

And the thing is, the thing is, Trump has already given Putin something absolutely massive, and he may not even realize it yet. Let me explain. Putin is actually a little bit weaker than you think at the moment. His economy is struggling, which is not great news for an autocrat who may have stolen billions from his own people.

Speaker 1

13:49

But, he is still very popular, in part because he routinely deflects criticism onto the U.S. And not just to dodge blame, but to delegitimize our ability to claim the moral high ground. Russians love it when America points a finger at him and he just points it right back. For instance, when he was asked a few years ago about suppressing dissent in Russia, he immediately changed the subject to problems in America.

Speaker 9

14:15

Do you

Speaker 8

14:15

believe that everything is perfect now, from the point of view of democracy? If everything was perfect, there would be no problem like Ferguson, right? There would be no other problems of a similar nature.

Speaker 8

14:26

There would be no abuse by the police. This is the same case in Russia. A lot of problems.

Speaker 1

14:32

Yeah, but not all problems are the same. It's like comparing La La Land, an Academy Award nominated movie with glaring flaws, to The Human Centipede, a thing that barely counts as a film. Yes, 1 movie is people sewn mouth to anus, but, you know, Ryan Gosling looks at his feet when he dances, so it all evens out in the end.

Speaker 1

14:54

This message that, you know, if things are bad here, just know that they are just as bad in America, That is a key Putin technique. Russian state media spent a good part of last year insisting that the U.S. Election was rigged. And they did this for a clear reason.

Speaker 3

15:10

What does the Kremlin want to put in Russians' heads?

Speaker 8

15:13

There is no real democracy in the world. It doesn't work. This will be the opportunity to show that, hey, they do the same thing.

Speaker 8

15:20

There is no difference.

Speaker 3

15:22

And we're no worse than they are.

Speaker 8

15:25

Yes, exactly.

Speaker 1

15:26

So that is the official line. Your shit, we're shit, everything's shit, never try for a better world because it doesn't exist." That is not only bleak, I think it's also the working title of every Russian novel ever written. And you know what, though?

Speaker 1

15:41

You would expect America's elections are rigged to be a standard Putin line. What changed last year, though, was that he had a major American candidate saying the exact same thing. And if you think that that played into Putin's hands, imagine how happy he was to then see the President of the United States take his moral equivalence argument and just run with it. Putin's a killer.

Speaker 3

16:04

A lot of killers. We got a lot of killers. Why, you think our country's so innocent?

Speaker 3

16:09

You think our country's so innocent? I don't know of any government leaders that are killers anymore. Well, take a look at what we've done, too.

Speaker 1

16:18

Holy shit. The only way he could sound any more like Vladimir Putin is if he said all that in a fucking $3,000 tracksuit. -...

Speaker 1

16:28

-... Trump is basically the propagandist of Putin's dreams. And who knows why he's acting this way? Maybe he's compromised, maybe he's an idiot.

Speaker 1

16:36

But since the President of the United States won't stick up for this country, I will. America and Russia are not the fucking same. And Don't get me wrong, America has had and continues to have endemic problems that need fixing. That might as well be the title of this show.

Speaker 1

16:52

-♪ ♪ -♪ But hold on though, hold on. Because our elections have some flaws, but they are not rigged. Our human rights record is far from perfect, but it does not compare to Putin's Russia. And our press is at least currently free enough that I can routinely do this.

Speaker 1

17:09

Donald Trump, America's wealthiest hemorrhoid. America's walking, talking brush fire. Rome burning in man form. An ill-fitting suit full of chickens coming home to roost.

Speaker 1

17:19

Twitter's id made manifest. This sentient circus peanut. A racist voodoo doll made of discarded cat hair. A clown made of mummified foreskin and cotton candy.

Speaker 1

17:29

Upside down piece of candy corn in a wig made of used medical gauze, a clear plastic bag filled with cheeseburgers and Confederate flag belt buckles, an old piece of luggage covered in cheese whiz, a kidney dropped on the floor at a super cut. Here's basically what happens if the secret gets into the wrong hands. Yeah, I've talked a lot of shit. And to his credit, Trump has not had me murdered.

Speaker 1

17:52

Yet, yet, there is still time. The problem is, though, Trump has already given Putin a lot without realizing it. But Putin wants more. Experts say that he likely wants an end to U.S.

Speaker 1

18:03

Sanctions for us to endorse his pro-Assad position in Syria, to let him weaken NATO, and to recognize his annexation of Crimea. All of which would be against American interests and values. But there seems to be a genuine danger that if unchecked, Trump may trade any or all of that away in exchange for getting along better, whatever the fuck that really means. So someone needs quickly to get into Trump's ear and educate him in how realistic getting along better with Putin actually is.

Speaker 1

18:33

And unfortunately, our catheter cowboy cannot do it in 30 seconds. So, we've put together a quick explanation guaranteed to stick in Trump's mind in the catchiest possible form, shitty techno music. -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪

Speaker 4

18:49

A man like Putin may seem like he's strong But if you think that, know that you're wrong A man like Putin sure has good luck Because journalists die and he's rich as fuck A man like Putin only wants power. He'll fake a tape of your golden shower. That's not something we want to see.

Speaker 4

19:12

Your orangey face all covered in pee. And critics like Oliver Banner and Barr Because he'll check you down and he'll shit on your car

Speaker 1

19:30

the weirdest part of this whole story. Please don't shit on my car. Please don't do it.

Speaker 1

19:36

I'm sorry, you were telling the president about Putin. Go. ♪

Speaker 4

19:41

Beware of Putin, he's ruthless and true ♪ ♪ If you're not careful, we'll all end up screwed A man like Putin was really bad The uni that it's claimed is just a fucking fad

Speaker 1

20:00

you