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Speaker 1

00:00

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ ♪♪ Walls. The envy of all employees who work in open plan offices. I would take a fucking beaded curtain just so I don't have to directly observe Carol clip her nails. Do it at home,

Speaker 2

00:16

Carol! What?

Speaker 1

00:18

This year, 1 particular wall has gotten a lot of our attention.

Speaker 2

00:22

I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. That's a Trump wall, beautiful wall. I will build the greatest wall that you've ever seen.

Speaker 2

00:32

They ever put my name on, I want a gorgeous wall. You know? The Trump wall, oh, will that be a beautiful wall.

Speaker 1

00:39

Yes. Donald Trump wants to build a wall on the U.S.-Mexican border, and based on his tone, he also wants to fuck that wall. He... The wall is such...

Speaker 1

00:49

It's such a fixture of his speeches and so popular among his supporters. 1 man even wore a spandex wall costume at 1 of his rallies. And, I mean, that's kind of incredible. The only group of people more excited about barriers are high school health teachers.

Speaker 1

01:05

Oh, that's right, cool guys and cool gals. When you're horny, there is nothing better than a good dental dam. It feels exactly the same. It doesn't.

Speaker 1

01:14

It doesn't. It really doesn't. The border wall is 1 of the few policy proposals Trump has talked about in detail. So instead of mocking or dismissing it out of hand, tonight, let's take a serious proposal by a serious presidential candidate seriously.

Speaker 1

01:31

And first, let's put aside the potential racism and xenophobia involved here. We can come back to that later. And instead, let's focus on the practicality of whether and how it can actually be done. And let's start with the cost.

Speaker 1

01:43

When Trump first started talking about this, He said it would cost a lot, but not a lot a lot.

Speaker 2

01:48

Let's say the wall costs 4000000000. You know, they say 10000000000. That means 4000000000, if you know what you're doing.

Speaker 1

01:55

Okay, so... So, he's saying he could build a wall at 40% of what it would cost others, which I would say is an insane magic trick if I thought his tiny fingers could wrap all the way around a magic wand. So, actual photo.

Speaker 1

02:08

Actual... Actual photo. But... But since then, his estimate has grown.

Speaker 3

02:15

The wall is gonna cost 6 or 7000000000.

Speaker 2

02:17

The wall's probably 8000000000 dollars. The wall gets built, it's gonna cost 10000000000 dollars to build the wall. Okay?

Speaker 2

02:23

It's a lot of money. It's a wall. The wall's gonna cost 10000000000 dollars. Maybe 12, depending.

Speaker 1

02:29

Okay, So we've gone from 4 to $12 billion. Donald Trump's margin of error is the entire GDP of Moldova. But still, fair enough, we're now at $12 billion.

Speaker 1

02:42

But to truly know the real cost, we're gonna need to know what the wall is going to be made from. Now, if only Donald Trump could explain that to me like I'm a child.

Speaker 4

02:51

So, you're going to build the wall? What's it going to be made out of?

Speaker 2

02:56

Oh... Hey, that's a good question. Lift him up here. Bring him up here.

Speaker 4

03:02

What are the walls going to be made out of?

Speaker 2

03:05

I'll tell you what it's gonna be made of. It's gonna be made of hardened concrete, and it's gonna be made out of rebar and steel.

Speaker 1

03:11

Okay. First, first, Trump is holding that child less like a human being and more like a cat he just gave a bath to. But... But second, second, to be fair, rebar and steel.

Speaker 1

03:25

Okay, that is a clear answer. I appreciate that. Now, now, the amount we would need would depend on the height of the wall. Unfortunately, Trump has been unclear on that, suggesting numbers ranging from 35 to 90 feet.

Speaker 1

03:36

So let's work with his lowest estimate, a 35-foot tall wall, which Trump has said we would need around 1,000 miles of. Now, according to 1 estimator and construction economist, That would cost $10 billion for the concrete panels and 5 to 6000000000 for steel columns, including labor. Plus, another billion for concrete footing for the columns and a concrete foundation. So that's at least $16 billion.

Speaker 1

04:00

We're already 4000000000 over his largest budget, and we've only just gotten started here. Because those materials are heavy, and you're gonna have to transport them into many areas that are currently inaccessible to construction vehicles. So that same expert estimates another 2000000000 dollars to build roads so that 20-ton trucks can deliver those materials. And that's not even getting into another 30% or so for engineering, design, and management.

Speaker 1

04:22

So now, we're up to around $25 billion, anywhere from 2 to 6 times Trump's estimates. But wait, because we're still not done. All of that is just building the wall. The Congressional Budget Office estimated for a similar project that wall maintenance costs would exceed the initial construction costs within 7 years.

Speaker 1

04:39

So it's a big, dumb thing that only gets more expensive over time. It's like getting a pet walrus. You think it's stupid now? Wait until you learn what a bucket of sea cucumbers costs.

Speaker 1

04:53

You've not prepared for that. But whatever the cost is, Trump claims he has got a way to pay for it.

Speaker 2

05:00

Mexico is going to pay for the wall. They're going to pay for the wall. Mexico is going to pay for the wall.

Speaker 2

05:08

Mexico's gonna pay for the wall. And they're gonna be happy about it.

Speaker 1

05:11

Of course they are. Of course they are. People love it when you make them pay for shit they don't want.

Speaker 1

05:16

That's why everyone is so happy when their cable company bundles together cable, internet, and landline. Ooh, landline! Ooh! Thank you!

Speaker 1

05:26

Oh, landline. Lucky me! That'll come in handy when I need to call my cell phone because I can't find it, and that's about it. But, but is Mexico going to pay for the wall?

Speaker 1

05:38

Because the current Mexican Treasury Secretary has said Mexico, under no circumstance, is going to pay for the wall that Mr. Trump is proposing. And 2 former Mexican presidents were even clearer.

Speaker 5

05:50

Mexican people, we are not going to pay any single cent for such a stupid wall. I declare, I'm not gonna pay for that... Fucking wall.

Speaker 5

06:02

He should pay for it. -$1,000,000 for a

Speaker 1

06:04

stupid wall. -$1,000,000 for a stupid wall. I think...

Speaker 1

06:06

I think the best part of that clip is the fact that he even took the extra effort to swear in English. Hey, this may be my second language, but I want to make absolutely sure you f-ing understand it. But when Trump was asked about these comments, he responded with characteristic diplomacy.

Speaker 2

06:25

The wall just got 10 feet taller, believe me. It's got 10 feet taller. Come on.

Speaker 1

06:32

Things don't get bigger just because you're angry. If that were true, Alec Baldwin would be 100 feet tall by now. -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Now, to be fair, to be fair here, Trump has thought through how he will get Mexico to foot the bill.

Speaker 2

06:47

We have right now a 58 billion dollar trade deficit with Mexico. That's why the wall gets built, by the way. That's why they're gonna pay for it.

Speaker 1

06:54

Okay, I see. I see. Mexico will pay because we have a trades deficit.

Speaker 1

06:58

I understand. Unfortunately, that's literally not how anything works. Because while, yes, we did buy $58 billion more in goods and services from Mexico than they did from us last year, that money doesn't belong to the Mexican government. It's earned by Mexican businesses.

Speaker 1

07:14

It's not lying around in some centralized, screwed, McDuck money bin, labeled, dumb Americans' money, do not spend on border fence. But look, let's put all this aside and let's say we did find the money. Where would we put a border wall? Now, your instinct says, on the border.

Speaker 1

07:33

But even that is actually more difficult than it sounds. And we know this, because in 2006, George W. Bush signed the Secure Fence Act, which called for the construction of 700 miles of fencing along the border. A project which, incidentally, then-Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton voted for.

Speaker 1

07:50

Which is terrible, although keep in mind that millions of you voted for Taylor Hicks in 2006. So, maybe don't be quite so quick to judge. Soul Patrol! That fence...

Speaker 1

08:03

That fence ran into a lot of problems, though. For instance, in large stretches of Texas, the border consists of the Rio Grande. And typically, you can't build a wall along the river. As a 1970 treaty prohibits building anything that may cause obstruction of normal flow of the river.

Speaker 1

08:19

And for that and other reasons, some stretches of the border fence were built considerably inland. And as towns like Brownsville, Texas have learned, that can be a problem.

Speaker 6

08:29

This Here is the Rio Grande River. It cuts all the way. You can see it makes a natural crescent there.

Speaker 6

08:35

This is Mexico, all back here. Here's where the walls built. So all of this golf course is now stuck in between Mexico and this border fence.

Speaker 1

08:49

It's true. That golf course was stuck between the U.S. Border fence and Mexico in a space that, like the queso diablo burrito at Cordoba, isn't really American, but sure as shit isn't Mexican.

Speaker 1

09:03

And the ridiculousness of this situation was not lost on the people who played there.

Speaker 6

09:08

Do you realize when you're golfing here that you're not really in the United States or Mexico here?

Speaker 2

09:15

I don't care where I am as long as I'm on

Speaker 6

09:16

a golf course. Do you think it's helping with the security? No.

Speaker 6

09:21

Stupid.

Speaker 1

09:21

-♪♪♪♪ I think... I think that woman just said in 2 words what I'm taking 20 minutes to say in this piece. Does the fence help?

Speaker 1

09:32

No.

Speaker 6

09:33

Stupid.

Speaker 1

09:34

And look, Texas became a real problem for constructing that fence, because in Texas, unlike in other states, there is no federally owned buffer along the Mexican border, meaning the land is mostly owned by private citizens, like the Loop family, who owned a ranch in Texas and discovered that 3 quarters of their land would suddenly be on the other side of the fence.

Speaker 7

09:54

When Homeland Security asked the Loops to sign away rights to their land for the fence, they said, No way.

Speaker 4

10:00

I said, I'm not signing anything at this point. Nothing. This is not possible.

Speaker 7

10:05

So the government used the power of eminent domain and condemned their property.

Speaker 1

10:10

Wow. And the Loupes were not alone. Hundreds of property owners were sued by the federal government so the fence could be built. Perhaps the only silver lining here might be that historically in America, when the federal government takes your land and treats you terribly, you at least get an offensive football team named after you.

Speaker 1

10:27

So, I guess 1 day we can all look forward to the Washington Loops. Hey, it's a sign of respect. They're respecting their heritage. Why can't you understand that?

Speaker 1

10:37

-... And the fence's damage didn't stop there because Michael Chertoff, then Secretary of Homeland Security, signed a document giving his department the authority to waive 36 laws to build the fence, including the Endangered Species Act, the Safe Drinking Water Act, and the Native American Graves Protection and Repatriation Act. He even welded parts of the fence himself, wearing an American Eagle face mask. And he looks like a member of Daft Punk, if Daft Punk played nothing but Lee Greenwood covers.

Speaker 1

11:09

And that Native American grave clause came in horrifyingly handy, as this Native American leader explains.

Speaker 5

11:15

Fragments of human remains were found in heavy equipment tracks on the Christian Ranch archaeological site a site now crossed by barrier barriers and the border road imagine a bulldozer in your family graveyard

Speaker 1

11:31

I mean say what you will but I think imagine a bulldozer in your family graveyard is definitely the worst verse of John Lennon's Imagine. It's not my favorite. It is not my favorite.

Speaker 1

11:43

--LAUGHTER --And by waiving the protections for wildlife, the fence has posed dangers to the survival in the U.S. Of everything from jaguars, to pronghorns, to pygmy owls. And look how shocked they look by that fact. Although, I will admit, they do permanently look like you've just murdered their entire families.

Speaker 1

12:01

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ But look, Trump might well argue having a wall is worth all of this, because it will act as a fortress to stop people and drugs flowing across the border. But let's look at that, Because the most recent authoritative estimate suggests nearly half of the unauthorized migrants in the U.S. Entered legally through a port of entry like an airport or a border crossing, usually with visas that they then overstayed. A wall can't stop that.

Speaker 1

12:29

It's like wearing a condom to protect against head lice. You could do that, but that's not really how you keep the thing you're worried about from happening. Which is not to say that there are not some people crossing the border where a wall would be. But would a wall really stop them?

Speaker 8

12:45

What the Border Patrol says, and I've spoken to a lot of their people, is, look, first of all, if you build a 30-foot wall, all it's gonna do is create a market for 31-foot ladders. Of course!

Speaker 1

12:56

Of course that's right! And by the way, remember, when you're looking for a 31-foot ladder, Avoid Werner. Climbing a Werner ladder is like dousing yourself in cooking grease and climbing a pile of tetanus.

Speaker 1

13:06

Do yourself a favor and get a DeWalt ladder. And I'm not being paid to say that, I'm just a fan. --A fan. ---and a very happy customer.

Speaker 1

13:16

And ladders are not the wall's only weakness. Watch as Donald Trump inadvertently stumbles his way into a key realization.

Speaker 2

13:24

So... -...you take... --APPLAUSE AND CHEERING precast plank, It comes 30 feet long, 40 feet long, 50 feet long. There's no ladder going over that.

Speaker 2

13:36

If they ever get up there, they're in trouble. Because there's no way to get down. Maybe a rope.

Speaker 1

13:42

Yeah. Yes. -♪ 00000... ♪ -Maybe a rope.

Speaker 1

13:46

Yes. Yes. Your brilliant plan has been undone by mankind's third invention. And as for stopping drugs, walls and fences have not posed much of a challenge to cartels.

Speaker 7

14:00

In Mexico, police have discovered a tunnel believed to have been used to smuggle drugs into the U.S.

Speaker 9

14:06

Using this makeshift cannon, they were shooting packages, small packages of marijuana across the border. These men were actually using a catapult to launch drugs across the border.

Speaker 2

14:16

Other smugglers have kept it a bit simpler than that. They just get somebody with a really good arm who throws it over the fence like a football.

Speaker 1

14:23

Okay. Okay, well, I will say, if they're looking for a new recruit, I know Peyton Manning is currently between jobs. But let's face it, for many people, efficacy is beside the point. This wall is about making us feel safer.

Speaker 1

14:36

And here is where the racism and xenophobia that we put aside at the top of this piece really needs to be brought back. Because while other politicians have supported barriers at the border, Donald Trump has been uncommonly clear about who we need to be protected from.

Speaker 2

14:51

When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists, and some, I assume, are good people.

Speaker 1

15:03

Trump? Trump sounds like an angry villager running through the town square, yelling, werewolves, run for your lives! Though, some, I assume, are good werewolves, but they're here to kill you, with maybe a few exceptions, but mostly werewolves, run! Run for the were...

Speaker 1

15:17

Werewolves love me, and I love werewolves, but they're here to kill all of us. --LAUGHTER --But about that. Because while, yes, individual undocumented immigrants have committed horrible crimes, so, obviously, have American citizens. And in fact, researchers consistently find that immigrants are less, not more, crime-prone than their native-born counterparts.

Speaker 1

15:39

The crime rates among immigrants once here are relatively tiny digits, which is something Donald Trump should frankly understand, given that he has 10 of them attached to his minuscule wrist. Now... This is... None of this is to say that the idea of a wall is not still comforting for some people, or as 1 man who actually lives near the border puts it...

Speaker 3

16:03

This was put up to, illustrate to... Joe whoever up in Dubuque or someplace. They see a picture of this and they're...

Speaker 3

16:15

Overstuffed butts in an overstuffed chair looking at a too big TV, thinking, oh, yeah, that'll stop him. Well, of course it doesn't.

Speaker 1

16:25

This guy is amazing, shitting on the fat cat out of touch metropolis that is Dubuque, Iowa. But... But even if it does make the people of Dubuque feel safer, given everything we've seen, is it worth it?

Speaker 1

16:38

Because remember, we calculated earlier that this could conservatively cost $25 billion, excluding the cost of both maintenance and the land under it. That works out to around $77 per person. And here is where I would like to make a counter proposal to Donald Trump's wall plan. If the main thing it's going to get us is a warm sense of satisfaction inside, I suggest Instead of building that wall, we used the money to buy every man, woman, and child in America a Palmer waffle iron.

Speaker 1

17:08

These beauties retail at $75 a piece. So we'd still have nearly a billion dollars left over. And just to be clear, this isn't 1 per household, this is 1 per person. You have 5 people in your family, you got 5 waffle irons coming your way.

Speaker 1

17:24

Not only is this cost-effective, unless you are a really sick f**k, this waffle iron plan would not kill a single pygmy owl. And, look, I know what you're thinking. John, this is a stupid idea. But is it?

Speaker 1

17:38

Is it really? Yes, obviously, it is. But is it significantly stupider than Donald Trump's wall? Because this waffle iron plan...

Speaker 1

17:49

-...will cost less, it'll do nearly as much to keep out immigrants and drugs, it won't harm our relationship with our third largest trading partner, if it is racist, it's only toward Belgians, And... And unlike Donald Trump's wall, this makes fucking waffles! So, come on, America! Let's ask ourselves, what kind of country do we want to wake up to?

Speaker 1

18:13

1 that spends billions on an impossible, impractical symbol of fear, or 1 that smells like breakfast. Exactly.

Speaker 2

18:30

You