13 minutes 12 seconds
🇬🇧 English
Speaker 1
00:09
It's not Fee Fee, it's Fee-Fah. LAUGHTER You may remember, last year, we examined what an appalling organization FIFA is, treating countries that host the World Cup like cash machines, practically imposing their own rule of law, generating billions of dollars, and yet, somehow remaining a non-profit. Now, despite being almost the dictionary definition of corruption, they've escaped any significant prosecution for decades. But that all ended on Wednesday.
Speaker 2
00:38
High-ranking officials from FIFA, the sports governing body, arrested in an overnight raid in Switzerland. The result of a sweeping FBI investigation.
Speaker 1
00:47
I don't know what I'm more surprised by, that FIFA officials were actually arrested, or that America was behind it. It took the country that cares the least about football to bring down the people who have been ruining it. That's like finding out that Kesha arrested a group of bankers involved in commodities fraud.
Speaker 1
01:05
-♪ ♪ -♪ Wow, Kesha. I actually did not think this was an interest of yours. -♪ ♪ But you've been undeniably effective. Tenacious prosecution, Kay.
Speaker 1
01:15
-♪ ♪ It's not just the fact of the arrests that were spectacular, it's how they were carried out.
Speaker 3
01:22
We saw several of those FIFA officials led from the hotel. I think it was the hotel staff trying to protect their appearance, if not their dignity, with white hotel sheets. Oh,
Speaker 1
01:35
that is perfect, because hotel sheets are very much like FIFA officials. They really should be clean, but they're actually unspeakably filthy, and deep down, everybody knows that. Essentially, the U.S.
Speaker 1
01:48
Government has accused FIFA officials of soliciting $150 million in bribes and kickbacks in forms ranging from cash in a briefcase to an expensive painting, which, to be fair, is unexpectedly classy corruption for sports executives. Because if you wanted to bribe Roger Goodell, all you'd really need is a cardboard box filled with old Playboys. Apparently, the big breakthrough came when the IRS caught Chuck Blazer, a corrupt American FIFA official and actual bad Santa. -♪ ♪ -♪ For many years, Blazer didn't even file a tax return, which was a little suspicious considering the lifestyle he lived.
Speaker 4
02:28
His criminal activity financed an opulent lifestyle that included a luxury apartment in New York's Trump Tower for the use of his cat. Wow!
Speaker 1
02:39
-... None of us know what aloof really means until we meet a cat that has its own apartment in Trump Tower. He probably doesn't even lick himself, he just uses the on-site dry cleaning. -—- LAUGHTER —— Now, Blazer became an FBI informant, and with his help, the US government managed to produce a 164-page indictment, which I genuinely recommend that you read because it's amazing.
Speaker 1
03:06
Let me give you just a taste. For instance, it alleges that former FIFA Vice President Jack Warner tried to help buy votes with envelopes containing $40,000 in cash. And when someone objected, he said, if you're pious, open a church, friends. Our business is our business.
Speaker 1
03:22
Which is not just awful, it's factually incorrect. Because opening a church is a fantastic way to make a shit ton of money. That's just a fact. And...
Speaker 1
03:33
If you need any more proof that Jack Warner could not give less of a f**k, listen to this. After he was arrested, he left jail in an ambulance claiming exhaustion. Exhaustion that he then recovered from miraculously quickly.
Speaker 5
03:48
Hours after he was released from jail, the former FIFA exec turned politician was defiant as he addressed a rally. ♪ When the little things
Speaker 6
03:56
Are gonna be all right
Speaker 1
03:57
♪ -♪
Speaker 6
03:57
All right, all right, all right, all right, all right
Speaker 1
03:58
♪ -♪
Speaker 7
03:58
All right, all right,
Speaker 6
03:58
all right, all right, all right
Speaker 1
04:00
♪ That is cocky. Denying any involvement while singing every little thing's gonna be all right. As songs go, that's a little on the nose.
Speaker 1
04:09
I guess we're just lucky that he didn't go with got your money by old dirty bastard. Which, come to think of it, are 3 words that describe Jack Warner perfectly. But the cherry on top of all of this was a video Jack Warner released just today where he suggested that this arrest was all a conspiracy, bringing hard proof in the form of a newspaper article stating that FIFA was trying to placate the U.S. By giving them an extra World Cup this year.
Speaker 8
04:35
FIFA has frantically announced 2015. 2015,
Speaker 6
04:41
this year, this year, Olympic final in the World Cup begins May 27th. If the FIFA is so bad, why is it the USA wants to keep the FIFA World Cup?
Speaker 1
04:55
And let's be fair, he's right. FIFA giving the US an extra World Cup is comically ridiculous. It's the sort of thing you'd usually see in an Onion article, which it turns out, was exactly what he was holding up there.
Speaker 1
05:08
And it says something. It says something about how corrupt FIFA is. That 1 of their ex-vice presidents could look at that story and think, yeah, that sounds like something they might do. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1
05:22
But maybe the most remarkable thing about all of the charges is that they didn't touch Sepp Blatter, who's been president of FIFA for the last 17 years. Now, on his watch, the World Cup has left a trail of devastation. Just last year, Brazil spent billions of dollars on massive new stadiums to host the World Cup. Stadiums which have met a predictable fate.
Speaker 9
05:44
These days, there's very little football being played at the world's second most expensive stadium. In fact, it mostly sits empty.
Speaker 10
05:51
After hosting less than a handful of matches during last year's World Cup, it's never been filled again. Today, it serves mainly as a parking lot for these buses.
Speaker 1
06:01
-... You have to give them credit. FIFA literally went into Brazil, paved paradise, and put up a parking lot. But that is just a drop in the ocean of what has happened on Blatter's watch.
Speaker 1
06:14
Just look at what's gonna happen next Saturday when the Women's World Cup starts. Blatter has previously suggested raising the popularity of women's soccer by saying they could, for example, have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty. And it is rare to find a non-fired boss who will openly say, I would like to make it easier for me to masturbate to my employees.
Speaker 1
06:36
And as you will see next week, that is pretty much the full extent of Blatter's care for female players' legs.
Speaker 6
06:42
Every game will be played, for the first time in history, on artificial turf. Many U.S. Team members are living.
Speaker 10
06:49
It is a gender equality issue. No chance would the men ever play a World Cup on turf.
Speaker 6
06:55
LaRue recently posted pictures of skin burns she says were caused by turf.
Speaker 1
07:00
Holy shit. The last time an athlete's legs were beaten up that badly in advance of a major competition, it was because Tonya Harding was unwilling to settle for silver. But no decision Blatter has overseen is more questionable than the 2022 World Cup being awarded to Qatar, because not only will the conditions be terrible to play in, but the number of migrant workers that have died in Qatar since the cup was announced has been staggering.
Speaker 11
07:27
Now, the numbers are difficult to pin down, but a report by the International Trade Union Confederation, for example, has estimated 1,200 deaths so far, with up to 4,000 additional worker deaths by 2022.
Speaker 1
07:43
Now, even if all those are not directly related to the World Cup. Those are still natural disaster numbers. Weather services should start issuing FIFA warnings.
Speaker 1
07:54
A stadium is being planned in your area, evacuate immediately! -... And you would think all this might cost Set Blatter his job, and on Friday, he was actually up for re-election as FIFA's president, and offered a pretty terrible defense for himself.
Speaker 12
08:10
I know... Many people hold me ultimately responsible for the actions and reputation of the global football community, we, or I, cannot monitor everyone all of the time.
Speaker 1
08:28
That is weak. You are basically Charles Manson saying, listen, I've got a big family. I don't know what Squeaky gets up to half the time.
Speaker 1
08:38
And by this point, having learned what you know about FIFA, you have no right to be surprised by the result of Friday's election.
Speaker 7
08:46
With all eyes on FIFA, the most powerful man in football, Sepp Blatter, has won a fifth term as president of that organization. Come on!
Speaker 1
08:56
He presided over the worst fiasco in their history. It's like a Sony executive greenlighting a sequel in the middle of watching Aloha. This is absolutely terrible, and I need to make sure there's more of it.
Speaker 1
09:10
We'll call it Aloha 2. This time, we mean the other meaning. -♪ Aloha 2 ♪ -♪ Aloha 2 ♪ Blatter's re-election was absolutely a foregone conclusion. Everyone knew this was coming.
Speaker 1
09:23
And I can explain why. All 209 members in FIFA get a single vote for president. And a lot of those smaller members have a financial interest in keeping things exactly as they are.
Speaker 7
09:34
All share equally the profits from the World Cup, regardless of size or soccer prowess.
Speaker 13
09:41
Liechtenstein gets as much money as Germany, Andorra gets as much money as Spain, and Montserrat gets as much money as United States.
Speaker 1
09:49
That's right. The U.S. Gets the same share as Montserrat, which A, isn't even a country, and B, has a population of less than 6,000.
Speaker 1
09:59
So America, a country with a population of 320 million, gets just as much as an island with a headcount matching that of a slightly overbooked Caribbean cruise. And that's why under FIFA's system, leadership never changes. Their elections are such a joke, that 4 years ago, Blatter ran unopposed. This was the actual ballot paper from that year.
Speaker 1
10:23
And they should at least have added a second box so that your options were vote Blatter or go fuck yourself. -... And the problem is, all the arrests in the world are gonna change nothing as long as Blatter is still there. Because to truly kill a snake, you must cut off its head.
Speaker 1
10:41
Or in this case, its arsehole. But if America keeps driving this investigation, this is important. If America keeps driving this investigation and actually finds something to indict him, I don't think you understand how much that would mean to everyone on Earth. The whole world's opinion of America would change overnight.
Speaker 1
11:04
Let me put this in terms you might understand. If the Dutch somehow found a reason to extradite and lock up Donald Trump, you would think, holy shit, the Dutch are awesome! The Dutch are amaz... What a country!
Speaker 1
11:17
That is what is on the table for you, America. And if you won't do it, the last hope to get rid of him is in the hands of the only group even more powerful than world governments.
Speaker 3
11:29
Right now he's being backed because the money's still flowing in. The second Nike says goodbye, or the second Visa says goodbye, or Adidas, or Coca-Cola, or Budweiser, I guarantee you, FIFA will not... The heads of FIFA will not have the support they currently enjoy.
Speaker 1
11:41
Exactly. Barring an indictment, the only people with the power to get rid of Set Blatter are FIFA's sponsors, these companies, and I would like to make a plea to them tonight. Please, make Set Blatter go away. I will do anything.
Speaker 1
11:56
Adidas, I'll wear 1 of your ugly shoes. 1 of these shoes that make me look like the Greek god of aspiring DJs. McDonald's, I will take a bite out of every item on your dollar menu, which tastes like normal food that was cursed by a vindictive wizard. And I will even make the ultimate sacrifice, Budweiser.
Speaker 1
12:21
If you pull your support and help get rid of blatter, I will put my mouth where my mouth is, and I will personally drink 1 of your disgusting items. I'm serious. It can be a Bud Light. I will even drink a Bud Light lime.
Speaker 1
12:37
Despite the fact that all the lime in the world cannot disguise the fact that this tastes like a puddle beneath a Long John Silver's dumpster. But I will do it. I will drink 1, maintaining eye contact with the camera, and I will say it was delicious. Because if you get rid of the Swiss demon who has ruined the sport I love, this stuff will taste like f***ing champagne
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