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Speaker 1

00:00

-♪ ♪ With the biggest retail season of the year nearly upon us, 1 major retailer unveiled a huge innovation this week.

Speaker 2

00:10

Lowe's is testing out robotic shopping assistants at 1 of its smaller hardware stores.

Speaker 3

00:16

Hello, I am Oshbot, the Orchard Store robot helper. What are you looking for today?

Speaker 4

00:21

Where can I find more of these?

Speaker 3

00:22

Is this the item you are looking for? Yes. I'll take you.

Speaker 1

00:27

Yes. Lowe's is introducing robot sales assistants to 1 of their stores, which might seem like a good idea, but brace yourself, Lowe's, because you may be about to get a lot of sexual harassment lawsuits from your refrigerators. Although, going by their promotional video, at least someone seems to be a fan.

Speaker 4

00:45

I actually really liked it, and we could be considered friends.

Speaker 1

00:48

Okay, stop, stop, stop. Stop it. Because the sentence, the customer service robot at Lowe's is my friend, may be the single saddest sentiment ever spoken out loud.

Speaker 1

01:01

Robot assistants are a terrible idea, and here's why. Sales associates at home improvement stores are not there to help people find things. They're there to stop couples from tearing each other apart. If you really wanna test your marriage, go buy home supplies together.

Speaker 1

01:17

Because Lowe's is like a swingers party or a couples brunch. No 1 is leaving on speaking terms. And the worst thing is, Lowe's knows this. Look at their own ads.

Speaker 4

01:28

We went to Lowe's just for some light bulbs.

Speaker 3

01:30

And we got distracted. I got distracted.

Speaker 4

01:32

We got a little bit distracted. They were looking at light bulbs, but I had a feeling they were interested in some things for the patio. Can I help you with something for the patio?

Speaker 4

01:39

No. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Speaker 4

01:41

I think that means yes.

Speaker 1

01:43

Nicely done, Lowe's employee. You sensed an explosive argument was coming, and you defused it with the emotional anesthetic of patio furniture. Robots can't do that.

Speaker 1

01:54

They don't realize that home improvement stores are a lethal combination of everything that can ruin a relationship. Spending money, reconciling tastes, long-term planning, and fluorescent lighting. In fact, if I was Home Depot, and I heard that Lowe's were replacing humans with robots, this is the ad that I would be running.

Speaker 5

02:15

At Home Depot, we value the personal touch. Sure, Lowe's may have robots, but we know there are some things machines can't do.

Speaker 4

02:25

We came to Home Depot to renovate our kitchen, and things got a little heated.

Speaker 3

02:30

He had his heart set on this copper sink.

Speaker 5

02:32

Guilty. They started bickering, but I had a feeling it wasn't about the copper sink. It never is about the copper sink.

Speaker 4

02:40

Why are you fighting me on this? It has a 10-year warranty.

Speaker 3

02:43

Oh, I'm sorry. Are we gonna be in this house for 10 more years?

Speaker 4

02:47

Well, where else are we going to go?

Speaker 3

02:48

In a house big enough for the second child you promised me we were going to have.

Speaker 5

02:52

If I could just butt in here, there is a lot to be said for a hammered, finished copper sink. It adds a lot of warmth to any room, and copper is naturally easy to maintain. Plus, it is just a sink.

Speaker 4

03:05

It is just a sink.

Speaker 3

03:06

It's just a sink.

Speaker 5

03:07

Yeah. You guys like Gladen plug-ins? Ooh. Check this out.

Speaker 4

03:11

Doug was great. He gave us advice right when we needed it.

Speaker 3

03:14

Specifically, right before 1 of us said something we could never take back.

Speaker 4

03:18

Hey, this eucalyptus is nice. Mama would love it.

Speaker 3

03:21

Why does it matter what plants your mother would like?

Speaker 4

03:24

For when she moves in with us.

Speaker 3

03:25

No, I am not having this discussion again.

Speaker 4

03:28

Oh boy. I told you again and again, I'm not putting her in a home ever. She raised me.

Speaker 3

03:32

Yeah, you and your deadbeat brother.

Speaker 4

03:35

That's your argument every time you bring up Devlin? He's trying. It's hard to get a job when they have to do background checks.

Speaker 5

03:41

You should stick with the Boston fern on this 1. The eucalyptus is for koalas and pacifists. Now, if you want, I can show you some of our selection of floor plants.

Speaker 5

03:51

Oh, my gosh. Yes.

Speaker 3

03:52

Yeah, for sure. He talked to us about floor plants for 5 solid minutes until both of us forgot what we were fighting about.

Speaker 5

03:59

That's what we do here.

Speaker 4

04:01

Hey, I really like this bamboo floor.

Speaker 3

04:03

Of course you do. He loves everything Asian, especially the girls he looks at on his porn.

Speaker 4

04:09

Excuse me?

Speaker 3

04:09

Clear your history, Ben. You're not the only 1 who uses that iPad mini. That's someone's daughter.

Speaker 3

04:15

What if her daughter were Asian?

Speaker 4

04:17

How would our daughter be Asian?

Speaker 3

04:19

What we could adopt if you weren't so selfish.

Speaker 4

04:21

Okay, so if you're asking me if I want to fuck my hypothetical Asian daughter, the answer is no. Home Depot, I don't want to fuck an Asian daughter. Guys, guys, forget about

Speaker 5

04:30

the bamboo. Sure, it's good with the humidity, but wood flooring is barely better than a carpet when it comes to a bathroom. Let me show you some ceramic tiles I think you'll both agree

Speaker 4

04:39

on. Great! Yeah, let's do it. Doug was great, and the bathroom is beautiful.

Speaker 3

04:45

So you don't wish we'd gotten that copper sink?

Speaker 4

04:48

Not as much as I wish you hadn't given a handjob to my best man on our wedding day.

Speaker 3

04:52

For the last time, we were not married.

Speaker 4

04:55

Is that the only 1? How many handjobs did you give out that day?

Speaker 3

04:57

I don't know. Let's count them up.

Speaker 4

04:59

Right? OK, great. Let's do it. Fine.

Speaker 4

05:01

2, 3. Maybe. Who else? Let's take

Speaker 5

05:04

a look at some paint swatches and think about freshening up that kitchen.

Speaker 3

05:08

Great. What

Speaker 5

05:09

if you take a spring grass and lay it right in here on tournament field?

Speaker 3

05:13

Oh wow, that looks great.

Speaker 5

05:15

Let's talk backsplash.