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Speaker 1

00:00

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ This morning, voters in eastern Ukraine held a referendum on whether or not to move towards joining Russia, but tensions had actually come to a head in a very unusual way late last night.

Speaker 2

00:15

Good evening, Europe!

Speaker 1

00:17

-♪ ♪ Okay, let me explain. There is a thing called the Eurovision Song Contest. It happens once every year and is simply the craziest thing that you will ever see.

Speaker 1

00:33

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Basically, 37 European countries sublimate thousands of years of ethnic and religious tensions into a series of bizarre three-minute song tastophies. And, look, Laugh all you like, but you will all be butter churn dancing in the clubs next weekend. Ch-ch-ch-churn it up. Ch-ch-ch-churn it up.

Speaker 1

00:53

Get a little bit wristy. Churn it up. -♪ Laughter ♪ Last night's final actually had Russia facing off against Ukraine, where their song's been voted on by all the competing nations. Meaning that this contest genuinely had more international oversight than the vote for Crimean secession.

Speaker 1

01:11

-♪ ♪ -() First up, first up, it was Ukraine, whose song featured a guy in the background running around in a hamster wheel. And in case that wasn't an apt enough summary of their current political situation... -...listen to this. -♪

Speaker 2

01:29

Tick tock Can you hear me? Go tick

Speaker 1

01:31

tock ♪ Their song was called Tick Tock. Basically, the countdown to an explosion. Now, for their part, Russia responded with a song performed by 17-year-old follically conjoined twins.

Speaker 1

01:48

Featuring the lyrics, and I swear to you that this is true. Cross the line a step at a time, maybe there's a place, maybe there's a time, maybe there's a day you will be mine. --FILM CREW LAUGHS-- --APPLAUSE-- That's... That is essentially an anthem to annexation.

Speaker 1

02:09

And, you know, you can't ask the people of Eastern Ukraine to choose between these 2 songs. They're both too good. Just go to war. Go to...

Speaker 1

02:18

The whole continent should go to war again. Let Europe tear itself apart yet again. The only way to stop this would be if the Eurovision Song Contest was somehow won by someone so spectacularly wonderful that it raised the tensions in a heartbeat.

Speaker 2

02:36

Drag queen Conchita Wurst took the trophy for Austria. This is a very big deal. The diva won with the tune Rise Like a Phoenix.

Speaker 3

02:44

This night is dedicated to everyone who believes in a future of peace and freedom. CHEERING You know who you are. We are unity, and we are unstoppable.

Speaker 2

03:03

CHEERING You

Speaker 1

03:03

know what? That's awesome. Is it...

Speaker 1

03:09

Is it just me? Is it just me, or between Conchita and Michael Sam, did the world... Did the whole world feel like it became a better place to live in the last 24 hours? But moving on, moving on.

Speaker 1

03:22

Finally, this was also a big week for Vladimir Putin, who visited Crimea for a long overdue victory lap in Russia's newest territory.

Speaker 4

03:32

Speaking before tens of thousands in the port city of Sevastopol, Putin hailed the incorporation of the region into Russia as a return to the motherland.

Speaker 1

03:40

Listen, it is Mother's Day today, and there is nothing wrong with moving back in with your mother. It's just, it's a little weird when your mother has to send you an unmarked militia to force you to do it. And Putin's...

Speaker 1

03:53

Putin's celebrations didn't even stop there.

Speaker 5

03:57

Vladimir Putin will celebrate Russia's annexation of Crimea with a specially minted silver coin. That's his image on the front. A map of the Crimean Peninsula is on the back.

Speaker 5

04:11

The coin weighs more than 2 pounds.

Speaker 1

04:14

2 pounds? That's not a commemorative coin. That is a commemorative manhole cover.

Speaker 1

04:20

Are you sure you want to be celebrating quite this hard, Vladimir? Because I hate to remind you, but the place you annexed was Crimea.

Speaker 6

04:30

Crimea depends on Ukraine right now for 25% of its gas, for 90% of its electricity, 70% of its water.

Speaker 7

04:37

Crimea only produces about a tenth of the energy it consumes. Russia expects to spend between 5 to 6000000000 dollars in Crimea. But it's still gonna be a burden on Russia.

Speaker 1

04:49

So, Crimea is going to be a drain on Russia's finances and attention. So congratulations Putin, in order to stick it to the West, you just adopted the sick cat of autonomous zones. I mean, look, He's...

Speaker 1

05:05

Have you seen the Crimean people? It's basically this guy. This is what you want, Russia. This man and the entire history that his face represents.

Speaker 1

05:15

And I just want to be clear that this guy is having a really good day. That is what smiling looks like in Crimea. And why shouldn't he be smiling? After all, it's his 16th birthday.

Speaker 1

05:29

But Frankly, frankly, frankly, if Russia is going to mint a coin over their annexation of Crimea, this coin might at least be a little more accurate.

Speaker 8

05:43

Crimea used to be a piece of Ukraine, but after Russia's historic 2014 invasion, it's now a piece of history. And you have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to own a piece of history about this piece of history with the worthless, desolate landmass commemorative coin. Like the territory it commemorates, the coin is symbolically impressive, has absolutely no value whatsoever, and will be a cumbersome burden for generations to come.

Speaker 8

06:14

On 1 side, The silver-plated coin features an exquisite portrait of Vladimir Putin shirtless on a horse. On the other side, it features Vladimir Putin shirtless carrying a horse. If you're wondering why there's no map of Crimea, that is because Vladimir Putin doesn't give a fuck about Crimea. Which is what it says in Russian around the edges of the coin.

Speaker 8

06:37

Call now to order yours. Although on second thought, don't call now. Why would anyone want this? Warning to citizens of Crimea, coin is not chocolate on the inside.

Speaker 8

06:47

When Russia inevitably cuts off fuel and aid shipments during the winter months, do not try to eat coin.